Send us a textNavigating the reality of father absence is paramount for single mothers who strive to support their children emotionally. The episode dives into the reasons for paternal absence, how to engage children in healthy conversations about it, and the resources that can help both parent and child thrive in this dynamic.• Understanding the reasons behind father absence • The importance of narrative when discussing a father's role • Recognizing and addressing behavioral change...
Navigating the reality of father absence is paramount for single mothers who strive to support their children emotionally. The episode dives into the reasons for paternal absence, how to engage children in healthy conversations about it, and the resources that can help both parent and child thrive in this dynamic.
• Understanding the reasons behind father absence • The importance of narrative when discussing a father's role • Recognizing and addressing behavioral changes in children • Resources available for emotional support • Maintaining connections with the father's family • Long-term effects of absence on a child's identity • Strategies for effective co-parenting and conflict resolution • Breaking generational cycles of abandonment and neglect
Take action and consult the resources discussed in this episode to foster a supportive environment for your child.
It's not how you arrived at the title, but what you do with it.
Show Transcript
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00:00:03.105 --> 00:00:07.394 Hey ladies, welcome to the Single Moms United podcast.
00:00:07.394 --> 00:00:16.952 If this is your first time joining, welcome, and if you are a repeat listener, thank you for your loyalty.
00:00:16.952 --> 00:00:23.809 It's not about how you arrived at the single mom title, but it's definitely what you do with it.
00:00:23.809 --> 00:00:35.662 This podcast is designed to encourage and motivate you, single mom, and also invite critical thinking when it comes to your parenting skills.
00:00:35.662 --> 00:00:38.387 So this is not a one-size-fits-all.
00:00:38.387 --> 00:00:44.948 Again, hopefully, you can take some things away and say, hmm, I never thought of it like that.
00:00:44.948 --> 00:00:51.408 Let me see, this is something I should consider right when it comes to parenting.
00:00:51.408 --> 00:01:06.873 That's what this is all about and hopefully, by the time this podcast is over, or this episode is over, you are able to go back and feel motivated or at least start thinking about wow, I never considered that.
00:01:06.873 --> 00:01:30.253 If you have been following me over these past few weeks, you know I've been focusing on the letter I and extracting word choices that link back to the letter I and I thought it's something a little different, a little creative, to hopefully keep you coming back right and say, oh, what's the next word going to be?
00:01:30.253 --> 00:01:47.495 This is just designed to encourage you and invite that critical thinking that is required as a parent, right, because we're no longer just nurturers and providers, we are educators, we are mentors.
00:01:47.495 --> 00:01:59.099 So we're not just moms, we're educating and we're setting examples for our children so that they can be productive in this world.
00:01:59.099 --> 00:02:04.233 All right, I know you've been waiting, so I'm not going to prolong it any further.
00:02:04.233 --> 00:02:07.201 So what are we talking about today, all right?
00:02:07.201 --> 00:02:12.530 Well, I'm so glad you asked me the letter I and the word invisible.
00:02:12.530 --> 00:02:15.288 Yeah, the invisible man.
00:02:15.288 --> 00:02:21.472 Once upon a time there was a movie called the Invisible man.
00:02:21.472 --> 00:02:25.985 I don't know if they still have any newer editions or not, but Once Upon a Time was called the Invisible man.
00:02:25.985 --> 00:02:28.515 I don't know if they still have any newer editions or not, but once upon a time it was called the Invisible man.
00:02:28.515 --> 00:02:37.152 But, for the sake of this exercise, we're talking about fathers, right, that are no longer involved in their kids' lives.
00:02:37.152 --> 00:02:39.625 Yeah, that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:02:39.625 --> 00:02:44.486 So this is going to be a little intense and it might be a little uncomfortable.
00:02:44.486 --> 00:02:49.228 Maybe a lot uncomfortable because, as moms, we're more than moms.
00:02:51.740 --> 00:03:01.013 What do you do or say when the father of your child or children is no longer active in their life?
00:03:01.013 --> 00:03:02.395 What's your approach?
00:03:02.395 --> 00:03:07.561 Well, the first thing you have to do is understand why he is absent.
00:03:07.561 --> 00:03:12.150 Why did he suddenly turn into the invisible man?
00:03:12.150 --> 00:03:13.412 What happened?
00:03:13.412 --> 00:03:14.895 Did divorce occur?
00:03:14.895 --> 00:03:15.822 Were y'all married?
00:03:16.282 --> 00:03:18.205 After the divorce, he said see ya.
00:03:18.205 --> 00:03:20.631 Did his living situation change?
00:03:20.631 --> 00:03:23.122 Jail is definitely an option.
00:03:23.122 --> 00:03:24.786 Or he moved.
00:03:24.786 --> 00:03:33.394 He moved out of town, he relocated or, the most common one, he's in a new relationship and made the choice for a fresh start.
00:03:34.056 --> 00:03:40.090 Or he no longer wants to interact with you because he believes it's a package deal.
00:03:40.090 --> 00:03:42.341 If he gets the child, he has to deal with you.
00:03:42.341 --> 00:03:51.747 That's true, but you all should be able to work through that and say listen, we can co-parent and be fair about that.
00:03:51.747 --> 00:03:53.567 The child needs this.
00:03:53.567 --> 00:03:59.348 It's no longer about you, it's no longer about him, it's about the child.
00:03:59.348 --> 00:04:13.509 And sometimes they get lost in translation with adult issues and, yes, the relationship didn't work out and that's okay, but we have to think about the child.
00:04:13.509 --> 00:04:15.995 We have to think about the children.
00:04:16.860 --> 00:04:29.213 If y'all just argued all the time, yeah, the child is put in the mix of that and this is the reason why and he might be trying to spare the child from going through all that emotional turmoil.
00:04:29.213 --> 00:04:32.668 So, as a result, he says you know what I'm out Deuces.
00:04:32.668 --> 00:04:34.632 Gotta go See ya.
00:04:34.632 --> 00:04:43.358 But you all should be able to work that out and know how to put in a plan for conflict resolution, right?
00:04:43.358 --> 00:04:48.526 Sometimes you have to agree to disagree to get along, and that's okay.
00:04:48.526 --> 00:04:51.593 I learned that the hard way, right, you don't have to.
00:04:51.593 --> 00:04:54.163 Well, I learned to pick my battles.
00:04:54.163 --> 00:04:54.944 How about that?
00:04:54.944 --> 00:05:03.071 I learned to say, okay, we agree to disagree, right, and if it's nothing detrimental, then by golly.
00:05:03.071 --> 00:05:05.295 What are we arguing about?
00:05:05.295 --> 00:05:14.961 So he wants to bring the child back at seven o'clock on Sunday and you want the child home at six o'clock Whoop-de-doo, it's an hour.
00:05:14.961 --> 00:05:16.925 Why are we arguing about this?
00:05:16.925 --> 00:05:22.964 If it's not impacting them getting to bed on time, then what are we arguing about?
00:05:22.964 --> 00:05:26.194 Just as me, pick your battles, mom, all right.
00:05:26.975 --> 00:05:34.990 Once you uncover the why he is absent, now you need to determine how you educate the child.
00:05:34.990 --> 00:05:41.709 Sometimes it's not going to be that intense, because it depends on how involved he was in the child's life.
00:05:41.709 --> 00:05:45.545 You know, was it consistent or was it just birthdays and holidays?
00:05:45.545 --> 00:05:52.288 Hmm, so if it's just birthdays and holidays, he'd show up and say, hey, I'm here.
00:05:52.288 --> 00:06:05.125 See, then the response and what you're going to chat with your child about is probably not going to be very intense, right, because he's not there most of the time.
00:06:05.125 --> 00:06:11.487 But if he was there and then he stopped showing up, then yeah, you still want to have that conversation.
00:06:11.487 --> 00:06:28.199 But if he has been consistently in their lives and I'm talking about every other day or every day type of involvement then that's going to take a little more in depth and sitting down and having a conversation with them.
00:06:28.199 --> 00:06:33.694 And part of that conversation is it's not your fault.
00:06:33.814 --> 00:06:41.834 Children will take on that ownership of why he left, but it's up to you, mom, to explain it's not your fault.
00:06:41.834 --> 00:06:46.942 You all just couldn't correspond with each other any longer.
00:06:46.942 --> 00:06:56.923 So as a result of that, he went next door and you're still here, but he still loves them and he should reflect that as well.
00:06:56.923 --> 00:07:09.995 That should not just come from you mom, you know, because one of the things that can happen is it can be emotionally traumatic for that child, with something they can carry into adulthood.
00:07:09.995 --> 00:07:18.302 They're developing that resentment and growing resentment as life goes on and that's not fair to them.
00:07:18.894 --> 00:07:34.166 You all should be able to work through things for the child, and then you also have to watch out for behavioral changes Acting out All of a sudden they were doing really great in school and now they're not.
00:07:34.166 --> 00:07:35.336 What happened?
00:07:35.336 --> 00:07:43.060 Because he's no longer coming around, he's no longer showing up, he's not calling, he's not doing any of these things.
00:07:43.060 --> 00:07:45.764 So now what is your child supposed to do?
00:07:45.764 --> 00:07:48.656 But act out right.
00:07:48.656 --> 00:07:50.399 So keep that in mind.
00:07:50.500 --> 00:07:53.084 So now you have to look at resources.
00:07:53.084 --> 00:07:57.783 What resources are available to help you through this?
00:07:57.783 --> 00:08:07.002 You're okay with him leaving because, depending on what happened during the relationship, you're probably like see you later, good riddance.
00:08:07.002 --> 00:08:15.737 But you have a child or you have children that are going to have to accept him not being in their lives.
00:08:15.737 --> 00:08:17.180 And how do you do that?
00:08:17.180 --> 00:08:22.619 All right, well, I'm so glad you asked me right, so you want to.
00:08:22.619 --> 00:08:29.379 If you can talk to some schools and see what type of counseling is available, I would start there.
00:08:29.379 --> 00:08:36.937 And then, if you know of a therapist or family counseling that's available, you might want to consult that as well.
00:08:36.937 --> 00:08:46.726 Especially if you don't know how to present or communicate what happened, you can be involved and allow someone else to help communicate that.
00:08:46.726 --> 00:08:53.452 Actually, it will be support for both you and the child that actually it will be support for both you and the child.
00:08:53.452 --> 00:09:02.601 Once y'all leave there, you'll know how to continue to nurture your child and provide that support that they need.
00:09:02.601 --> 00:09:08.716 And I would also encourage you to seek if you don't have already a form of relationship with his family, right His mom.
00:09:08.716 --> 00:09:21.649 Talk with her and try to see if they won't be involved in the children's lives and they may even allow the child to come over and spend time with them.
00:09:21.649 --> 00:09:39.307 Of course, if it's a good household, right, or good environment, you definitely don't want to send your children over to a bad environment, right, coming back with word choices that they didn't leave the house with right, or seeing things that they have no business seeing.
00:09:39.307 --> 00:09:56.078 But if it's a good household and if they are willing, then absolutely try to shore that gap up by speaking with the mother and seeing if she is okay with developing a further relationship with the kids.
00:09:56.078 --> 00:10:04.405 Just a thought those are the resources that you should consider Now as a summary of all of what I just shared with you.
00:10:04.807 --> 00:10:12.980 When a child doesn't know their father or his family, I'm just going to say it in my loud voice their life is incomplete.
00:10:12.980 --> 00:10:14.183 Why is it incomplete?
00:10:14.183 --> 00:10:24.780 Because it took two to create this child, so now you're down to one, and that's not fair to the child, mom, keep in mind.
00:10:24.780 --> 00:10:35.135 It also impacts their identity long term, because they're only getting half of who they are by just being with you.
00:10:35.135 --> 00:10:43.575 They've got to get the full picture, the whole outlook of who they are, because it took two to get them here.
00:10:43.575 --> 00:10:51.394 And then, finally, if you don't have this conversation with them, this is what leads to generational curses.
00:10:51.394 --> 00:10:55.071 Yeah, well, he did it to me, and now I have a child.
00:10:55.071 --> 00:10:55.962 So guess what?
00:10:55.962 --> 00:11:02.850 I'm just going to follow Lee, and that's not fair to that next generation.
00:11:03.299 --> 00:11:06.945 Children deserve both parents, mom.
00:11:07.326 --> 00:11:25.144 Okay, so I encourage you, work it out with him, identify co-parenting skills If you have to sit down and talk through it of what your expectations are, what his expectations are, for the sake of the child, please, I ask you.
00:11:25.325 --> 00:11:40.893 It's time out for our children suffering mentally and getting depressed and all of these other anxiety issues that they're encountering, all because adults can't come together.
00:11:40.893 --> 00:11:42.620 For the sake of the children.
00:11:42.620 --> 00:12:03.254 All right, ladies, I told you this was not going to be one of the more inspiring episodes, but hopefully you did find value and so that you can take this away and say, hmm, yeah, me and Bobby Joe, yeah, we clash.
00:12:03.254 --> 00:12:19.813 For little Emily's sake, let's sit down and work through it so that Emily can know that she has two parents, know that it's not her but it's us, it's the adults that are having issues, not her.
00:12:19.813 --> 00:12:21.261 And guess what?
00:12:21.261 --> 00:12:22.645 She's going to appreciate that?
00:12:22.645 --> 00:12:28.596 She's going to appreciate that later on, because now you just turned that generational curse around.
00:12:28.596 --> 00:12:41.985 All right, ladies, have a great day, a wonderful week, a marvelous month, and take care, ladies, and, oh, make sure you're teaching your child something this week.
00:12:41.985 --> 00:12:48.158 That's the goal, that's the purpose as a parent, take care.
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