Moving with Kids: Voluntary vs. Involuntary

When Life Forces A Move SPEAKER_00 0:01 Sometimes life shifts in ways we didn't ask for. A job changes, rent goes up, a relationship ends, a neighborhood becomes unsafe, and suddenly you're packing boxes, not because you want to, but because you have to. And when you're a single mom, that kind of move gets different. You're carrying your emotions, your children's emotions, and the point of making a new place feel like home, even when the transition wasn't your choice.

So today I'm talking about voluntary and involuntary movements and how it impacts our kids, how you can talk to your kids about it, risk associated with moves, and of course, relationships and moving. Alright, let's get right down to it. And again, I try not to bring anything to you that I have not experienced. And so I'm going to insert some of my own personal encounters with moving and the not so fun side of it.

And hopefully you find value so that you can number one tell another parent. And then number two, that you feel secure in when you do have to move. And guess what? You will.

Okay. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've moved in my life. Because moving is not fun at all. And the more you move, the more stuff you collect.

And I know the first time I moved out of my mom's house to get my own place, my own little apartment, all I had was a bed with some clothes. I didn't even have a couch. I didn't have a dining room. I didn't have any of that milk.

And so people gave me stuff. So my first move was really easy because I didn't have a lot. All I had was clothes and a bed. So I've acquired things along that time frame and I took things from my mom.

I mean, she allowed me, obviously, dishes and silverware, those types of things. She allowed me to take. So I appreciate that. But as I continued to move later on in life, I started collecting a lot.

And with two kids and myself, that stuff started collecting significantly. That alone is also what made moving hard, is because oh my gosh, you have all this stuff now. And now at the stage that I'm at on my fifth and final move, there's no way. I just have way too much stuff to even think about Voluntary Vs Involuntary Moves SPEAKER_00 3:23 moving.

So what's the difference between voluntary and involuntary? Hey, I know it's a no-brainer. But voluntary moves is you choose to move. Number one, you want your child to be in a better school, safer neighborhood, new job, fresh start.

Hey, that's fair. That's why some people pick up a move out of state altogether, right? And kids can sense your confidence and your purpose with voluntary moves and make sense and so forth. And then there's the emotional tone, the excitement, the curiosity, the manageable stress.

When I moved at where I am now, oh, it was definitely an upgrade. So we're excited. I have a two-car garage. I didn't have that before, right?

So that's exciting to say, okay, yes, let's do this. While involuntary moves are forced by eviction, unfortunately. And I've been there too. It didn't go all the way through, but I have received multiple notices and I didn't know what I was going to do, but I'll talk a little bit about that in a moment.

Things that you can consider and look into when it comes to eviction, because that's real. Rent increases, they're going up every year, especially if you have a year-to-year lease. Then you better believe that rent is not locked in. You may lose your job.

Relationships changes, safety concerns. So kids feel the instability and the urgency. I tell you, our kids are smarter than we think they are. So you have to be careful with your tone because there's already fear, confusion, sadness, and embarrassment.

Yeah. Again, I have my hand up. Ask me how I know. How Moves Hit Kids Emotionally SPEAKER_00 5:31 So how each type of move impacts your kids.

So voluntary moves, kids are just faster because the move is framed as positive. Why am I on the fence here? Because when I had to relocate because of my job, my daughter didn't take that well at all. No matter what I said, no matter that I said, we're moving into a house, you're gonna have your own room, you can decorate it how you want.

It still didn't go well. But we got through it. But you just have to make sure you are there and comfort them and let them know it's gonna be okay. Because they have to build new friends.

They have to understand, and under the voluntary moves, they trust your decision and feel hopeful, or at least they should. And if you're moving far away, it's not comfortable. Even if it is voluntary, it's still uncomfortable. But they benefit from seeing you lead with intention because if it's a voluntary move, which it was for me, I was upbeat, I was happy, I was ready, and therefore that balance of depression that she was experiencing because she was leaving, or we were leaving, family, and she was leaving her friends.

I'm closer to my job. The commute is easier. Yes, I'm good. So I'm carrying that positive aura around me to help offset and to help build her to get her comfortable with the move.

Now, involuntary moves, and I guess this was with my job relocating, it was somewhat involuntary. Kids may feel unsafe and powerless. They may worry about losing friends, yep, routines and belongings and stuff does get lost. I remember when we moved, I think we put quite a few of those boxes in the garage, and that's where they stayed because of the fact that I'm just gonna take out what I need because it was just such a hardship with all the stuff we had.

And they may internalize your stress, behavioral shifts, clinginess, irritability, withdrawal, regression, all of these things and emotions come with involuntary moves. Talking To Kids About Moving SPEAKER_00 8:06 So, how do you talk to your kids about the move? For voluntary moves, highlight the benefits, new opportunities, safer environment, more space, which we did. Anytime you move voluntarily, it should be an upgrade.

My first apartment, we had one bathroom and two bedrooms, and it was good to go. The second time I moved, it was a townhouse. So still two bedrooms, but one and a half bath. So we increased the bathroom space, which we needed because it's three of us, and then it had washer dryer hookup.

That was the real upgrade. But anytime you move voluntarily, ladies, make sure it's an upgrade for voluntary moves. Let your kids express excitement and concern. So have that open dialogue.

Because again, you are there to be that mentor, that support structure. They should be able to come to you with any concerns. Why is that? Because if they can't come to you, that's right, they're gonna go to someone else.

And you're never gonna know exactly how they feel about the move because of the fact that they're talking to over here, a family member or someone else, and that's like, why didn't you come to me? And we could have talked through that. So you definitely want to make it available that your child or your children can come to you and talk about this significant transition that's happening in their lives and in your life. Now, give them small choices to build ownership.

Yeah. When we moved, I let my daughter pick out the color of the room that we wanted to paint for because I had got an agreement from the landlord and said, Hey, my daughter's dealing with this. She's not handling this well. Are we allowed to paint?

And it was like, Yes, you're allowed to paint. Whoop-whoop. So I said, What color do you want? She picked purple, picked out purple, and we painted the room purple to make it hers and be more comfortable.

It did help. Did it cure all of her anxiety? No, not initially, and that's fair. But for involuntary moves, you keep the explanation simple and age-appropriate.

You want to validate their feelings. Again, it's okay to feel sad or confused or have anxiety. Reassure them about what stays the same. Love, routines, togetherness, right?

And also think about what do you want to do different now that we are in a different environment? It was like this previously, right? Because we were in a townhouse. Now we're in a physical house.

What do you want to do different? We couldn't paint back at the townhouse, but we could paint at the house. So these are things that you will want to talk to them about and keep that open dialogue. Also emphasize we're moving because I want us to be safe.

And you don't have to get into larger details about that. Just make sure that safety is a part of the reason why we are moving. Identity Theft Risks During Moves SPEAKER_00 11:58 And when we're moving too. Now, here are some risks of moving, including identity theft and safety concerns.

Moving creates openings for personal information to be exposed. So when I first moved, I didn't change my address. I left it at my mom's house because I trusted my information or my mail going there. It was already going there anyway, so why change it?

And I only moved two miles away from her. And my kids were going there and so forth. So it was easy for me to just pick up my mail. So I never changed my address when it in that perspective, right?

I kept it at her address. Back then we didn't have the concerns we have today when it comes to mail and identity theft. I was comfortable with just leaving it there, but those are things you're going to have to consider. And especially for your kids with identity theft.

Your mail still going to that old address. You don't know who's moving in after you. And matter of fact, where I'm living at now, I'm still getting a prior person's mail every now and then. And I've been here 10 years.

Yeah, so that's how long this goes on. So just be careful of that, mom, and things you want to consider with the move that you still can have mail going to that old address. Some of the common risk of moving is your mail is not forwarded properly. Just talked about that.

Documents thrown away without shredding. Maybe it's an old hospital bill or something to that effect. You don't want people all in your business like that. And so they say, okay, they don't live here.

Let me just throw it away. And if there's people out there doing dumpster dives or whatever you call that, they're going out and pulling out your personal information. So you want to be careful. Personal information exposed during packing.

New address shared widely on forms. And a lot of this, thank goodness, with email now, right? You're getting away from those bills, credit card bills, or other kind of bills coming in. You can now do that online, thankfully.

And you don't have to receive paper copies. And I think that's awesome. I know some companies charge you now if you don't go paperless. They charge like a $2 fee, which is cover posting.

Just make sure everything is electronic now. And your kids' social security numbers can be used for setting up fraudulent accounts. So make sure you take protection. And that's what I want to talk about next on how you can protect yourself related to mail.

And especially if you know this is just going to be for a year, or I'm going to be moving again, or you just know you're not going to be there a while, then you have to start thinking long term of how you want your mail to get to you. Mail And Document Safety Steps SPEAKER_00 15:39 Right? Whether it's to a relative's house or a pill box. So here's some steps you should take when it comes to your mail.

Forward mail immediately and monitor what arrives. And I have to say, the United Postal Service, one of the greatest things they've ever invented in this modern history is the fact you can see what mail is coming to your mailbox. I love that. And I'm like, oh, that's awesome.

Yep, don't need that, it can wait. Nope, don't need that, it can wait. But anyway, shred old documents with personal information. Now you can buy your shred machine.

They're really reasonable. Go on Amazon, Best Buy, wherever, get you a shredder, especially for those that personal information that you do not want to get out. You want to update addresses on school, medical, banking, and government accounts. Just be strategic around how you do things.

Or again, give them your mom's address or another address that you feel safe with. Secure new Wi-Fi with a strong password is no longer alphanumeric, but I'm seeing like 15 character passwords now with lower and uppercase letters, and it looks like a bunch of gibberish now. It's unfortunate that we have to be at that level with securing our information because of the hackers out there. So keep that in mind, moms.

Check your kids' credit reports. Matter of fact, check yours. You can always go to annual creditreport.com and you can get a free credit report. And you want to monitor that, especially yours.

Now, I didn't do that with my kids, but I don't think it's a bad idea at all. Store birth certificates, social security cards, passports, and a lock box. I would say not just during the move, just keep them there because it's so personal. And you just don't want these things to get lost.

So lockboxes are pretty reasonable. I would just keep them in a lock box. I would avoid posting your new address online. I think most folks are pretty smart in that area to say, hey, look at my new place, and here's my I think most people know not to do that, right?

And again, use the post office informed delivery to track your mail. Greatest thing they've ever invented. And if I ever meet the person who did that, I'm definitely going to give them a high five because it's a great tool to have. Relationships And Moving With Kids SPEAKER_00 18:48 Now let's quickly talk about relationships and moving and why, moms, you have to be careful.

Number one, if your name is on the lease and your name only, that means you're responsible for that security deposit. And if somebody else comes in there and tears up your home or that apartment or the house you're renting, you gotta pay for that. They're keeping your security deposit. And the person that's moving in with you, they don't care because their name isn't on the lease.

So I caution you, be careful. I get it. I'm lonely and I would love to have Boo Bear here to hold me and to do things and help fix things around the house and so forth. But if he's not contributing and if he's not willing to put his name on the lease, you might be able to come over every now and then.

But as far as living here, and I didn't do that with my kids. No, absolutely not. And I didn't even let anybody come over. You want to meet somewhere?

We can think about that. But at my house, no, this is where my kids stay. And I want them to be comfortable with coming home and not have to worry about Joe and John. And not that I really even dated back then because I was too stressed out from being a parent and trying to take care of them and make sure they had stuff.

And I couldn't complicate that by having a relationship. I just didn't, I didn't pursue it. My priority was my kids. So I was not going to allow a male to come and interrupt my household.

That's me. Now, again, ladies, I get your position. Been there. Why, and I know why, mom, you want to let a man move in.

The loneliness, the fear of doing everything alone, the financial pressure. But if he ain't bringing anything with him, what where's the benefit? Desire for stability, playing house. And that's what it is.

Play in house. And believe that he will help out or make things easier. And really, ladies, again, it's okay to have a boo, but be careful. And why it's not wise to have a man move in, kids are already adjusting to one major change.

They don't need to adjust to another individual in the household. Adding a new adult creates confusion and instability. You don't fully know how he behaves in daily life. If it goes wrong, you're stuck with conflict and Side of your home, and now your kids are exposed to that.

Like I said, he can go through, punch holes in the wall, and all of that. You can throw his clothes over the balcony and say, get out, but the damage is done. Now, when it's time for you to move out, the landlord coming to you, they ain't going to him. And some men use vulnerable moments to gain control or access.

It can expose your kids to emotional and physical risk. Yeah. And if you're having conflict with him, he's going to have conflict with your children and your children with him. I told you, kids are smart.

They know when somebody ain't right. They know when someone isn't right. So don't expose them to that, mom. And it can expose your household to financial or identity theft risk.

And if you don't know him like that, and I've heard horror stories where his ex comes around and she's knocking on the door and all of that stuff. You're like, wait, what, what just happened? I thought you were single. I am single.

Why is she knocking on my door? Not my door. I'm just talking about what I heard with others. Sis come around and him and her going at it on your doorstep.

Come on, think through these things, ladies. And if you feel like you gotta have a male in your life, get a hobby. As long as your kids are around, get a hobby. That's what I did, but I was too tired, honestly.

I'm trying to raise kids. I have my kids and all kinds of activities. I was tired. I didn't have time for a relationship.

Now, here's some red flags to consider when it comes to relationships. He pushes to move in quickly. Hey, I don't have anywhere to go. Or he makes up some kind of excuse.

I gotta get out, or me and my moms fell out. And blah, yeah. If he's pressuring you, that's a red flag. He frames it as helping you out.

Yep, don't fall for it. He doesn't have stable housing, and these things you can't hide. He gets upset when you ask for time. And again, your kids seem uncomfortable around him.

These are red flags, ladies, that you need to consider. Now, green flags, again, I'm not even gonna go through this. Why am I not gonna go through this? Because just don't do it.

There's no such thing as a green flag of having a man move in with you. I'm just gonna be honest. The Core Message For Moms SPEAKER_00 24:54 All right, here's the core message to you, moms. Voluntary moves bring hope and opportunity.

Involuntary moves bring fear and uncertainty. But in both cases, your kids look to you for stability. Your tone, your reassurance, and your consistency shape how they adjust. And protecting your family emotionally, physically, and financially is your first priority.

Whether your move is chosen or forced, you are still leading your family with strength. Your kids don't need perfection, they need presence, they need your honesty, they need your reassurance. And as you navigate this transition, remember you are building safety, stability, and a future that reflects your resilience. You've got this, mom.

I know you do. How do I know? Listen, I've been there in those uncomfortable moments, and you'll get through it. Share The Episode And Connect SPEAKER_00 26:29 So if you have found value in this episode, will you share with another mom, another parent?

Don't forget to subscribe to my channel if you're listening on YouTube. You can visit Single MomsUnited Podcast.com and leave me some feedback and let me know what you taught your child or your children and what type of impact it had on you and them. I would love to share your story with others because that's how we grow. That's how we build the mom to mentor community as we support one another.

I hope you have a great day. Final Encouragement And Goodbye SPEAKER_00 27:20 Take care.