From Survival Mode To Love

Surviving Versus Feeling Loved SPEAKER_00 0:02 Hey moms. Some of us grew up in homes where the goal was simple. Survive the day. Keep the peace.

Don't rock the boat. And others grew up in homes where love wasn't just spoken. It was felt. Today I'm talking about the difference between a survival household and a loving household.

And how the environment we create shape our children's confidence, emotional safety, and future relationships because we are more than nurturers, we are mentors. Yes, that's right. Hey, welcome everybody to the Mom to Mentor podcast. If this is your first time joining, welcome.

If you are a repeat listener, thank you for your loyalty. I came across some information a few weeks ago that talked about were you in survival mode with raising your kids or was your household a loving household where there was a lot of affection? I can honestly say my household was entirely survival mode. How am I gonna pay for this?

How am I gonna pay for that? And so when you're focused in that arena, you miss out. Let me let me dial that back. I missed out on the affection piece that is also needed in your household.

That's what I want to talk to you about today. I like to share things with you that I experienced and that hopefully you will do better and say, oh wow, that makes sense. And and you probably didn't even realize that you're in survival mode. And as a single mom, most of us are in survival mode where we're just trying to keep everything straight, food on the table, roof over the head, and lights on, and all of that.

And if you got a car node, gotta have insurance, all these things you're focused on, and when you're focused, some things get omitted. I'm just gonna be straight and to the point, affection gets omitted, or at least in my household, it did. What Survival Households Teach Kids SPEAKER_00 2:45 So, what is a survival household? A survival household is built around fear instead of safety.

Yeah, I don't want my lights turned off, I don't want us sitting in the dark, right? Yeah, a lot of fear. How am I gonna maneuver around this? Reaction instead of guidance.

Yep. I'm talking to myself here, so y'all just bear with me because it's bringing back memories. Silence instead of communication. When the stress was real, I wouldn't talk and tell the kids back up off of me, go play, go outside, go do something.

Because I needed that space. Walking on eggshells instead of emotional honesty. Rules without relationship. Yeah, my kids had a plenty of them.

Yeah, this is how we're functioning. And I say that to say this, ladies, and maybe some gentlemen. That's life and it's okay. But here's the good news because now you're realizing that you are in survival mode.

And by the time this episode is over, I am hoping that you say, you know what? I know how to integrate balance into my life that also offers affection. With me, it was all about I gotta do this, I gotta do that. But you should be able to say, Oh, I know how to integrate that balance of affection.

Children in survival households often learn, don't feel, just cope, stay small, avoid conflict, your needs are inconvenient, and love must be earned. So, what happens to adults who grew up in a survival household? They struggle with emotional expression, they fear rejection, they overachieve to feel worthy, confusion and chaos. They feel like that's normal, and they parent from anxiety instead of intention.

Now that I've named what survival looks like, let's take a moment and breathe and talk about what love feels like What Those Kids Become As Adults SPEAKER_00 5:23 in a home. This is where that balance comes in at. So, what is a loving household? A loving household is built around emotional safety.

My voice matters. I am safe even when I make mistakes. Love is consistent. I can express myself without fear.

I am worthy just being me. So, what does that do? This creates adults who set healthy boundaries, they communicate clearly, they build stable relationships, healthy communication, predictability and stability, affection and affirmation, guidance instead of punishment. And I think that was one of my biggest downfalls under my survival mode was again, and I said this in prior episodes, that when I would punish my children, I would never add the comma and explain why.

It used to be something to the effect of you know better, versus giving What A Loving Home Feels Like SPEAKER_00 6:47 them a complete explanation of why I'm disciplining them, right? And that's where that guidance piece comes in at. You're actually guiding them, you're educating them. That's the word we're looking for, right?

That comes along with the loving household. And when that love isn't there and you're just in survival mode, you're just correcting, correcting, correcting, correcting, correcting, and there's no education that's happening. And so, yeah, now there's that fear, right? And then they're gonna come back and say, Well, you weren't a good mom or you weren't a good dad for my dads that are listening because all you did was correct.

You never educated me, you never showed concern. And again, back to being in survival mode. But anyway, how survival mode shows up Discipline With A Comma And Why SPEAKER_00 7:43 in parenting? Yelling as a default, okay.

I know y'all can't see me, but I got my hand up. I really felt like I was a yelling machine the entire time I was raising my kids. I just felt like my voice was always elevated, shutting down emotionally. Again, my hand is up, and I said it before because I said so.

That was one of my favorite phrases. I didn't go back and educate my children and guide them effectively when it came to discipline, prioritizing control over connection, parenting from your wounds instead of your wisdom. So again, and I'm not trying to point fingers or place blame anywhere, but a lot of stuff is generational, right? And if I'm leading my family, my kids in survival mode, then there's a good possibility that's the foundation or that's the atmosphere I also came from as I was growing up.

I'm saying that in my out loud voice. Is it right? No. But did it make sense at the time?

Yes. Does it make sense as it relates to why I parented the way I did? Yes, because it was generational. All right, how loving households respond differently.

Again, if you're Shifting The Pattern Starting Today SPEAKER_00 9:23 disciplining your child, put a comma behind it and explain why. You should also have emotional coaching. If they're wanting to express crying and other emotions they're experiencing, talk through it. Why do you feel this way?

Don't ignore it. Talk with them, have predictable routines that you talk with them each day, such as around dinner before they go to bed, or ask them how their day was. Every day you should have a routine. And I challenged you all on multiple occasions, put the phone down for at least one hour.

Put it on silent, leave it in the other room, put it on charge and talk with your children, and you should do that at least if you can daily. But if you can't, then once a week, just spend some time with your child. Why is that important? Because if you're not teaching, if you're not listening, and if you're not providing that guidance and educating them, someone else will.

And that's why we get into correcting that behavior because someone else has taught them the very opposite of what you're trying to teach your child, and you don't even know it. I didn't did not when I dismissed my children, not purposely, but when I dismissed them, they went elsewhere. Then when that they brought that nonsense back in the house, I was like, wait a minute, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, not today. Where did you learn that from?

And where did you get those words from? Yeah, because they went to someone else. Some moms and maybe some dads. Come on, we gotta step it up.

Look, be available for your children. Be available, and you're gonna find out some things. Yeah, and some of it's gonna be very uncomfortable, but at least they're coming to you. They're not going down the street, they're not going to their teacher, they're not going to other people regarding their issues, they're coming to you.

So here's where it gets real. Because the way we were raised doesn't have to be the way we raise our children. Again, that whole generational curse that follows us, unfortunately. And speaking of generational curses, what is the generational impact?

How survival households create generational fear. We carry that on. Ask me how I know. Where loving households create generational confidence.

You can do this. Yeah, I got you. It's a more comforting environment. So it's the exact opposite of what it feels like to be in a survival household.

How parents can shift even if they didn't grow up with love. So that's the good news. We don't have to stay where we're at. That's the good news.

So let's make this actionable. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a practice. And here are the ways to shift your home starting today. Because remember, I told you I'm not just gonna bring the problem, I'm gonna bring the solution with it.

If you need to go grab pen and paper, you can do that. Or you can just hit rewind and go back and capture these solutions. So here are some practical ways to move your home from survival to love. And again, we're just talking about balance here.

So create the predictable routines. Your children learn what to expect when it's time to eat, rest, talk, or play. And that stability teaches trust. And that's so important.

Learn how to apologize when needed. Apologizing models humility and emotional maturity. When parents say I was wrong or I shouldn't have yelled, it teaches children that mistakes don't destroy love. It repairs it.

Learn how to validate their feelings. Validation means acknowledging emotions without judgment, and it helps children feel seen and teaches them that emotions are signals, not problems. Teach emotional vocabulary. Give children words for what they feel.

You know, they're gonna be frustrated, they're gonna be disappointed, their days they're gonna be proud, their days they're gonna be nervous, and then their days they just find, oh, this is so peaceful. So naming emotions help them manage them. It's how they learn to express rather than explode. Yeah, I needed this way back when.

Replace fear-based discipline with guidance. Fear teaches compliance, guidance teaches character. Instead of punishment that isolates, use correction that connects. Yeah.

Build connection rituals. Again, these rituals become emotional anchors that strengthen family bonds. So survival households raise children who learn to endure. Loving households raise children who learn to thrive.

And every day we get to choose which one we're building. Not perfectly, but intentionally. Because our children don't just need care, they need mentorship, they need presence, they need love that feels safe. And again, we are more than nurturers, we are mentors.

We have to remind our children it's not your fault. Because when you're in survival mode, something has to give. And generally, it's emotional support. Ask me how I know.

Now keep in mind, kids don't understand survival mode. They don't understand you're doing everything you can to keep the lights on, food on the table, and a roof over their heads. So don't make your situation an excuse for not trying to find balance. Because love doesn't cost.

You just need to understand it's about integrating love into your household. That's where that balance comes in at. So before you go, I want to leave The Power Of Encouragement And Embrace SPEAKER_00 17:25 you with this. You don't have to transform your whole household overnight.

Just choose one small shift from today's episode. Maybe it's a predictable routine, a moment of validation, or a simple connection ritual. One step from survival toward love. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with another mom or another single mom who's ready to parent with intention instead of fear.

We grow stronger together. The other thing you can do to shift from survival to a loving household, learn how to offer words of encouragement, learn how to hug your child. Yeah, and I'm not talking about a brief hug. I believe a few episodes back I talk about the difference between a hug and an embrace.

And in this situation, you would want to embrace them. An embrace is longer than your typical hug. A typical hug is maybe two to three seconds. An embrace, you're looking at like five to ten seconds, right?

You're just holding them. That's the difference. And so that's how you can start moving from survival to love. It's intentional, it's physical.

That's the word, that's the key takeaway. Here is it's physical in what you want to leave with your child because that's what they're gonna remember. We can talk and talk and talk and talk, and it really not makes a difference. But when we talk and add the physical component to it, that's what's going to move your household from survival to love.

And guess what, moms? When you start turning into having that more physical aspect with your children, that's also going to help you as well. Because just like they need a hug, you need a hug. I know I did.

It works together, it's a win win for both of you all. One Small Step And Share It SPEAKER_00 20:10 Now make sure you continue to follow the Mom to Mentor podcast so you never miss an episode. Because we are more than nurturers, we are mentors, and every day we get to choose love. Be encouraged, ladies.

Take care.